i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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