True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
