you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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