Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I need a beard to bite.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
