We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
