Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I enjoy the company of your penis
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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