I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
