In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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