Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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