Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He kissed a someone with a penis
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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