foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My pussy is not your playground.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
she pinky promised me she was 18
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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