That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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