I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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