Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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