How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
