4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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