im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
