drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
