put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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