I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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