dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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