there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
How's work?
Spinning.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
