I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
