Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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