one two three fourrrrnication!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
