Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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