oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
