I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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