you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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