Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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