He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
