I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
