he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
