no, he came in my armpit
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
