I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
