we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
