A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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