you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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