im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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