I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
