I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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