Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
