Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
