I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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