I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
