Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
