I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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