sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
