God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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