apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
