i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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