"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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